Spreadsheets Pillows

'What are you doing?' - 'I'm compiling all of my lists into a spreadsheet... duh.' - 'You're ridiculous...' - 'I'm adding you to my 'discouraging people' worksheet for that unhelpful comment.' - 'Oh, sod off!' - 'Now I'm cross referencing you with my 'per

"Watching him work those spreadsheets all day can be very relaxing."

'This is McWit. He's responsible for our really complex spreadsheets.'

Accountancy ice-breakers.

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

It's not forever......

'This spreadsheet program has really been enhanced since I installed the Ouija board.'

"Like you, I once loved women - then I discovered spreadsheets."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

Overworked in the office

"All we have to fear is fear itself and unmet quarterly projections."

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"I think I'll have the businessman's lunch."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

"What comes after zillion?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

The good news is that I've got all the figures...the BAD news is that I'm not sure what order to put them in!