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Nadia discovers the benefits of performance-enhancing thugs.

'I know the Fox 40 whistle is good, but this trumpet is better.'

Alternative fielding positions

"... It's just that, when you said you had a couple of tickets to see the big game..."

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"I got a red card for not having enough fun!!"

'Anyone else want to get up and leave before the game is over?'

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

'...And if that doesn't work, grab your rifle and start blasting away.'

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

'The manager takes the pitcher out of the game'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

Loser's Podium.

'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

'It's not your fault, Dewey. Whenever a call doesn't go his way, he goes ballistic.'

Free Speech has heavy price.

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

The Washington Arbitrators

'Youth Baseball Clinic: How To Develop A Deep-Rooted Hatred Of The Media.'

"I'm here to ensure there's no hanky-panky with the ball's inflation."

Competitors complained that Sir Hops-A-Lot's souther steed gave him an unfair advantage."

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

'You're SURE that you've played water polo before?'

"Just to set the record straight, I'm leaving you because you never turn your body to the net, you don't have a smooth swing, and because your forehand, backhand, and volley are inadequate!"

Organically Grown Athlete - Guaranteed free of chemicals.

"This one is called 'Essence of Hockey Bag.'"

'... and I almost want to thank my pharmacist.'

Group showers. Just one of the reasons few golfers take up football.