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The Lord giveth. The Lord taketh away. Joe giveth back.

Holy water cooler moments

"It was better before God took up knitting."

Ghostwriting the Bible

'Yes, all at once!'

A surprise in heaven

"Why did we run out of wine?! I'll tell you why...Mary's son brought 12 of his friends who crashed the wedding party! That's why!"

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Enough with the treehugging already!"

"At first, I was teaching Job a lesson, but now I'm just messing with him."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

Fish Baptism is by full emersion

'Look, several prisoners in my client's facility have reported finding God in their cells! Yet you claim you've never broken in one time?'

"At the time I thought it was a goose."

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"No it's fine, really. I'm just saying it's not very mysterious."

Thwarting the Boys from Brazil

Nun fight at the OK Corral.

'He may be the Messiah, but he's no Springsteen.'

"According to the breathalyzer, the wine definitely represents your blood."

"Hallelujah!"

Moral Outrage.

"OK, OK, Dad. I'm up... I'm up."

'Don't be too hard on sinners. If it weren't for sinning, we'd all be out of work!'

'I propose a day of mild exasperation in response to Richard Dawkins.'

Self raising Lazarus.

"I want to take a vacation, but the last time I left you in charge your face appeared on a grilled cheese sandwich."

"Can we discuss this?"

'The Bishop called - he'd like to see a copy of that sermon you gave last Sunday.'

Priest walks by a religious book shelf and and a Satan book pops out to hit him on the head.

"It's Irv Pelton, Mr. Mather, from the Voice Crying in the Wilderness Department."

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.