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The Lord giveth. The Lord taketh away. Joe giveth back.

Holy water cooler moments

"It was better before God took up knitting."

Ghostwriting the Bible

'Yes, all at once!'

A surprise in heaven

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Enough with the treehugging already!"

"At first, I was teaching Job a lesson, but now I'm just messing with him."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'Look, several prisoners in my client's facility have reported finding God in their cells! Yet you claim you've never broken in one time?'

"At the time I thought it was a goose."

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

"No it's fine, really. I'm just saying it's not very mysterious."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"According to the breathalyzer, the wine definitely represents your blood."

"Hallelujah!"

Nun fight at the OK Corral.

Moral Outrage.

'I propose a day of mild exasperation in response to Richard Dawkins.'

Self raising Lazarus.

"I want to take a vacation, but the last time I left you in charge your face appeared on a grilled cheese sandwich."

"OK, OK, Dad. I'm up... I'm up."

"Can we discuss this?"

'Don't be too hard on sinners. If it weren't for sinning, we'd all be out of work!'

'The Bishop called - he'd like to see a copy of that sermon you gave last Sunday.'

Priest walks by a religious book shelf and and a Satan book pops out to hit him on the head.

"It's Irv Pelton, Mr. Mather, from the Voice Crying in the Wilderness Department."

"Eve had a good sense of humor. She took a lot of ribbing on the job."

"It's an extremely hazardous occupation - nearly every pope for the last 600 years has died on the job."

Reading the Bible.