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"Let's change 'brink of chaos' to 'Everything is wonderful.'"

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"Just don’t tell the other vultures. I’ll never hear the end of it."

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

TV jester.

Public Relations: Reputations cleaned and repaired

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

'Do you know how fast you were going?'

"The UWS association for the advancement of A.I."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

May all your birthday wishes come true..

'Good luck, everyone! Maybe this will be the year somebody finishes the race!'

Caution: ironic literal proverb ahead (fork in the road)

'And then, just to humor the guy I said 'I need a hug', little thinking that the big gorilla would do just that.'

"Here comes the quote unquote dog whisperer."

'Don't worry it's organic...'

The Final Selfie

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

'It has been revealed that a senior politician will criticise something in a speech. Later they will criticise the opposite of something, just in case.'

Met Office: Wet today and dry tomorrow.

"Beats me. They put up the sign and went to their panic room."

'Do you have to be so melodramatic?'

'The company I ran was non-profit, but that wasn't intentional.'

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

'I'm Bored'

Moses' TV guide.

'I think I'll wait for the movie.'

"I hear post apocalyptic trilogies are all the rage again."

Freddie's water