Speculation Pillows

'I'm a 100% consistent investor. I buy bonds when I should buy stocks when I should buy bonds.'

'Yes, fifty to one is a great return on your money, but the muddy track makes it a risky investment.'

'Looks like the gods are angry.'

'But what if I'm wrong...?'

"If I had only bought 800 million shares."

"My name's Edwin, and I'm addicted to risk."

"Do you think there's intellegent life in there?"

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

'I wonder how this is going to affect the market?'

"All in all, I'd say it's a pretty convincing explication of chaos theory."

'Now this is a fabulous strategy that has worked flawlessly every year, except for those when it failed miserably.'

"Just in case you want to invest, I've got a great idea for a dot.com startup."

"Facts are good, but we need all the rumors, gossip, and speculation to fully understand the situation."

'The market dropped sharply on the rumor that new sell off rumors in the financial sector will lead to more widespread rumors...'

Department of Pure Speculation.

International Speculators

They lean more of how the universe began, but can't tell me where the market will end.

"...And that's the studio where we filmed the Moon Landing..."

Energy speculation.

"No one knows what he does, but it's rumored that he's the guy who sets global oil prices."

'What I want you to do is spot any mistakes before I make them.'

The tumbling dice...

'This is where it gets tricky. I see 3 alternate endings and a director's cut.'

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

Just think if that meteor had never hit planet earth 65 million years ago...

"In the tech sector, markets reacted strongly to news that ToadNoggle would acquire Zeepzer, ending rumors of a hostile takeover by FiffleBunny."

"When do we all start frantically buying gold again?"

"He's our ideas man - I can never tell if he's working or not."

'On days when the stock market suffers sharp losses... it's best not to mention in recovery.'

'The gentleman in the back bids one arm. The is now one arm. Will anybody give me an arm and a leg.'