Special Diets Pillows

'It's wheat-free, dairy-free, fat-free, nut-free, sugar-free and salt-free...enjoy!

I'll trade you a gluten-Free Sandwich for lactose-free milk.

'Do you have a traditional Christmas dinner, but for a lacto-vegan fruitarian?'

'Allergy Cafe - All you can Tolerate.'

"None of our items are gluten-free, but they are prepared by people who are."

"No, we don't sell gluten-free gluten."

'The only problem being a Beefeater is that I'm a vegetarian.'

"I asked for something gluten-free, dairy-free and meat-free and he brought me a glass of water."

'Hmmm, your dietary requirements make it hard to pinpoint a suitable holiday destination...'

'A case of V/D prescription diet, please!'

'Whatever diet they're on, tell them what they ordered is perfect for them.'

'Well, since you're so picky: Why don't you choose the restaurant'

'I'm on a diet at the moment.' - 'No sugar, no alcohol, no meat, no dairy, no wheat, no yeast.' - 'Basically, dinner times now consist of me quietly weeping into a bowl of overpriced weeds.'

'Do you have a traditional lacto-vegan Christmas dinner?'

"I envy you, but my dietary requirements make it difficult for me to travel..."

The Food Free Food Aisle

Soup of the month.

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

The discovery of asparagus.

Vegetarian Birds

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'So glad you could make our vegetarian BBQ.'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"I'd like to start the 'Wellness at Work' training by offering you some guidance on diet and exercise."

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

'Dorothy - we're not in the health food section anymore.'

"You'll find that as a restaurateur I've worked hard to showcase the finest in organic and free range ingredients that have been harvested and prepared in authentic and traditional ways."

'Vegetarian is an old Indian word which means bad hunter.'

"You won’t need refills."

Macho Vegetarian

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.