Soul Collector Pillows

"Here I am, Mother, gainfully and meaningfully employed, and all you can do is criticize."

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'Hamlet'

I only have eyes for you

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

'It must be the dead sea.'

'It's not for myself, you understand."

Try me/try me/try me...

The most fabulous Gran in the world.

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

"I have a huge house, millions in the bank, and a twenty year old wife. But am I happy?..."

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

"Apparently the Ebola virus can make your ears bleed."

"I haven't felt that overwhelming urge to create, but then again I haven't felt much of anything lately."

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

Christian and Born again Christian...

"That's Bob. He's a bit of a wing nut."

"I want more than anonymous sex. I want anonymous intimacy."

"What are you doing?"

Lovers

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

Feeling for shells

Then, after 3.7 million years...something funny happened.

'Your drug test came back positive. Welcome aboard.'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

Santa's wash day.

'Honestly, Geraldine, you're not like any other penguin I've ever met.'

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"Queen begins with Q, it should be precisely here."

The Anti-Materialist

'I understand the Adirondacks are where it's REALLY happening.'