Solitary Snacker T-Shirts

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"Yeah, my life flashed before my eyes!...OK, it was food - all the food I've ever eaten flashed before my eyes."

Breakfast surreal.

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

'I've decided to give up giving up!'

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Cookie Thief

"Hey, that's your personal pan pizza. NO SHARING!"

'We've been through thick and thin. Tell me about the thin again.'

"My smarthome just sent me a text saying it's a mess, so it doesn't feel like having visitors right now."

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

Meditation Munchies

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

'Guys! Check this out - Reindeer Chow in the satellite dish!'

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'My wife has me on a very strict diet so I need a safe place to store my binge foods.'

"I don't think you'll still be that 'Zen' when I tell you someone's nicked your cheese and pickle sandwich from the fridge."

'Biscuit?' 'Leave it in the in-tray for the morning.'

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.

His condition is known as Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

'Most people wouldn't wantonly eat the hors d'oeuvres if they hadn't read the book.'

"Will you be dining with others tonight, or just the company of your smartphone?"

"Fascinating. The rats choose chocolate nine times out of ten, but they always feel guilty about it later."

Candy 50c All Sales Final.

"I was too anxious to sleep, too sleepy to work, and too lazy to go to the kitchen."

"I've hidden all the emergency chocolate in the fruit bowl, it'll be quite safe there."