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Eastenders: This Programme Contains Bad Acting And One-Dimensional Characterisation

'Einsteiners.'

University Soapflakes

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

'Sue didn't watch soap operas all the time. She also reads books'

"I'd like you to be the co-star in the melodrama that is life."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

'-Not THE Queen Vic?'

Vampire on a plane

David Niven caricature

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

'Time for my favorite soap opera, Nine Lives to Live.'

'Madge! Desperate Housewives is on.'

TV: widescreen 16x9 versus 4x3.

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

She kept Dracula at bay with an episode of the Archers.

National Liberty and Tax Codes.

"The Lord brings people together for reasons only he knows."

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

'On the contrary, soap operas are a great time-saver -- you don't have to get married and have your OWN problems.'

"Well, I can say if it wasn't for tragedy, I would not be here."

We're not picking you up from field hockey. Take the late bus. Ok then. I'll get home at 8:30, miss dinner and have no time to study. I'll fail my classes, never get a job and live the rest of my life with you. Not true! You have a bright future as an extortionist. Or soap opera star!

'We've got to stop him watching Robert Peston.'

"Wait! First, his attorney."

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

Woman and cats watching Nine Lives to Live.

English People With Servants Having Problems - On Demand

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

Daytime TV For Nerds

June Brown

"Tia Carmen's Bucket List: pulling a 7-day telenovela bender."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'We rape, pillage and kill. THAT'S our corporate mission statement.'