Soap Drama Critic Gifts

"All I said was, do we have to watch your telenovela tonight."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Can't Touch This

'Sue didn't watch soap operas all the time. She also reads books'

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

Succession 2

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

"On yesterday's news, we left Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper in the Midwest, preparing to go their separate ways after their bus trip. Meanwhile, their nemesis, George, upset by the latest popularity polls, was consulting with his friend James about h

Christmas TV...

Can't Touch This

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see 'Parrot Normal Activity'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

"We, the jury, find the defendant."

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'No, I've never been in a TV reality show. My reality is pretty well scripted by my wife, kids and boss.'

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

'I'm a has-been celebrity - get me in there!'

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

"I don't mind if something's Shakespearean, just as long as it it's not Shakespeare."

Welcome to the wonderful world of abstract mime.

Silly News.

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'