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Modern Nursery Rhymes

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

'Anorak anoraks'.

Replacement Bus Spotters.

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

'What's most depressing is the realization that everything we believe will be disproved in a few years.'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Don't write on that wall with crayons! It'll show up better on that wall over there.'

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'm a writer.' - 'What a coincidence, I'm a reader.'

Bird Watching with Binoculars

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

Hans Holbein

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

Now that I've written the book, could you put in a good word with the sales team's muse?

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

Will Self deprecation

How to create a brilliant cartoon

Musical Prodigy

Writer’s Corner

"This is a selection from my novel about a writers' group that has one real writer and five wanna-be b*****s."

Anna Burns

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

Screenwriters, Inc. Send this revised script to Rupert Murdoch! Right! I'll fax the fix to Fox!

'I have a case of...oh, heck. What's that called?'

'Dammit, Bubbles, we need this memoir yesterday - write, damn you!'

A pen spewing letters

"It's the worst case of writer's block Sidney has ever had. He hasn't put a word on the page since fifth grade!"

'I can't read a word of this essay of yours. Excellent work.'

Recycling Station: Manuscripts.

"Careful - it's full of lies."

Kate Atkinson

"Please stop signing your monitor's screen. There is a proper way to sign a document someone emails you."