Skincare Cynic Gifts

'Look! The first active ingredient is marketing spin.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Round and round the cauldron we go, in the exfoliating toner I throw."

"Did you check the SPF, dear?"

"Too much concealer?"

"Snow White swears by these 10 products for flawless beauty."

"Eternally youthful complexion? Here's the deal. Never go out in the sun. Never eat dessert. And, for God's sake, don't smile."

"That product you are using is fantastic. Your eye bags are gone."

'This facial cream is called 'High Definition'...it brings out beauty in sharp, wonderful detail.'

'You need to do something about your dry skin.'

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

Desert Dermatologist

New Twenty Blades

"We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?"

'You do Botox?'

Sunburn lotion, Windburn lotion.

"Do you have anything that can help remove dark circles from under my eyes?"

"Yikes! So many foundations, so little time."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Another barnacle?!" "I was a teenage creature."

'We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?'

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

"Apricot pit?! Are you kidding, Mister? This stuff knocks raw avocado and almond nut outta the water!!!"

"How come your skin is sooooo smooth?"

"A Leading cosmetics company believes our drilling mud would ake an excellent skincare product."

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Sebum! I think you'll love this property on the left side of the chin. It's a wonderful place to start a pimple."

"Couldn't you have waited till she was smiling before you injected the botox?"

'You're King Kong? You look bigger in the movies.'

"Believe me, you never looked better since you fell into that vast of skin cream."

"No threat detected. Their vast resources are spent on lasers that combat wrinkles and unwanted hair."

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

"Which one of these things is the soap?"

'Mildred....is that you?'

'No, it's not a special on the Grand Canyon. It's an actor's face in high definition.'