Sit-up Superstar T-Shirts

Sit ups.

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"Everybody gets a raise."

"I've outgrown my backpack."

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

Bigger Brain

'The other kids at school say I might need glasses, Dad.'

"Gracie, I'm so proud that you made the academic decathlon team! Here...have some of my special green tea! Ithelps you concentrate and improves your memory!"

Nick Offerman

"We started learning about units of measurement in math class, but I don't really understand it, so I've got an acre of homework to do."

"It took a lot of hard work to get here, but it was all worth it in the end."

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

Healthy.

Waiting for the results.

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

"Look, I'm the bobblehead of this team."

Amy Schumer

'Your standardized test scores are impressive, but we have no standardized jobs.'

Dara O' Briain

The family tradition lives on: I won the Long Jump and the Triple Jump events...

"What's the fun of smelling the Bougainvillea in paradise if I don't smell the envy on Facebook?"

Vampire Sit ups

'Nobody likes me at school. I need a personal assistant, a trainer and a P.R. firm!'

"I'm sorry, but I just never know what to do with my hand towels when I get nervous."

Open Mic Night

'No matter how often I do the show, I still suffer from stage fright...'

Standup Dictator

"I'm not conceited although, heaven knows, I have every right to be..."

"Thank you for coming into the studio tonight, your story is truly a fascinating one, however I've decided our time would be better spent reviewing my meteoric rise to celebrity status within this television network."

Touch Gig

'No case law, but we did get 50,000 hits on Youtube.'

"This is a wax job if I've ever seen one!"