Silver Sage Pillows

"...At what point do hemorrhoids become 'just another hobby?'"

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.

'Maybe I'm not a failure — maybe I'm just a late bloomer!'

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

"Finally, after years of work, irrefutable proof that I'm a nerd."

'Unbelievable: My cowboy expects me to drop everything and come running when he whistles...'

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

"It turns out crows find a bunch of dead crows more frightening than a man made out of hay."

"Quantum Physics"? How am I going to learn all of this stuff? A bit at a time?

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

One way only.

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

One can hardly be expected to solve the riddle of existence without a computer

'Leader shy and angler wise I can put up with - it's the darn insolence that bothers me.'

"Sure your portfolio has taken a hit, but if you stay in the market for the long haul you'll be fine."

"You've done it - you've come up with the perfect password."

'On to the office again?' - 'No, my pro.'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

The chairman's boat springs a leak: 'Just keep bailing and never mind the wisecracks.'

"Anything you say, Mr. Einstein, can be used to explain the origin of the universe."

The chip - Loyal worker, tireless teacher, friend

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

"Rough year?" (2021 new year baby asking 2020 old year man)

The past only looks good when you're living in the present.

'About that blood pressure...stop taking things with a grain of salt.'

'Wh-h-hatz-u-upp, dude?'

"I hope it's not contagious."

'How many potatoes to make a bottle of vodka?.'

Distilleries Association

"It needs more old salt."

"Don't be discouraged. Do it over, monitor the results...write your paper."

How Scientists Work

Caution - Sign partly concealed by bush

"You tell him it needs more salt, I'm not telling him!"

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single status update."