Sign Irony Analyst Gifts

'Security?'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

Department of Who's Your Daddy?

"It's a bill."

"Regarding earnings guidance, as my mother used to say: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. I'll be shutting up now."

'Sigh - Yes, I will probably be dying alone.'

"We're not admitting any wrong doing, but we've agreed to pay a ten Zillion dollar fine.''

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

WISDOM! WHILE IT LASTS!, 'Maybe the sign wasn't such a hot idea after all.'

'Rumors...'

"We've cut away all the fat now we have to look at staffing costs!"

"You were employee of the month. This month you're the firee of the month."

'You get the diet book which you won't read, the exercise bar which you won't use and the workout CD which you won't watch, for only $29.99.'

'I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the company but I've decided not to hire you.'

Sex and Violence....Hell and Brimstone.

'I hate it when a substitute gets teachy.'

"I don't know much about art but I know what I like."

I saw your "free wi-fi" sign. Yes, it's free for customers. False advertising! If I have to buy something, it's not free! Ok. The password is "buysomethingorgetout." Is that upper-case or lower?

Items From the Jay Leno Fan Club

TUC Conference: 'I've invited in someone from the private sector to help drive up our performance in fighting the private sector.'

The nice thing about soccer is that there are no commercials.

'The first rule in business, mother, is to never trust anyone. Now go back and walk through the metal detector...slowly.'

The word going around is that the business administration graduates are hiring the engineering graduates.

'Open wide... wider... wider still...'

'In ten more years we could retire if we had jobs...'

'Actually the only drawback to the place is the proximity to the prison.'

'Here, have this. You might need it. Think of it as your new Barclay card.'

'...And then, all the investment newsletter I was subscribing to went bankrupt!'

Bank. Have you noticed? We trust them with our money but they chain the pen to the counter.

Property Types and the Coronavirus Lockdown

"It's an entire Web site of things you can buy to consume less."

"Oh my God! How could you? His feet stink, his breath smells, he's got spots on his bum..."