Showtime Chef Pillows

Anton Mosimann

Meet Me Outside St. Louis

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

'Wait, wait, before you mix them, you have to say, 'Pow!'.'

Will work for Food Network.

"Step right up, lady and gents, and scoop yourself a heaping helping of the best spicy meat and bean stew this side of the mighty Mississippi!"

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

Newborn sees his new father viewing him in hospital nursery thinks "Showtime.".

'...now pour the mixture into a baking dish...'

'And stir to a smooth consistency.'

My Cauldron Rules

'Not only do you need a good dish to win on this cooking show, you need a good story!'

"Charles please! Not a slice and dice movie."

Here's one I made earlier.

"Why always a book report? Why not ever a TV show report?"

'For this dish we're going to need two bottles of good quality red wine. And that's before we even start cooking.'

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

Master Chef

'Add three eggs, a pinch of salt, two ounces of olive oil and the phone number of a local pizza in delivery in case this recipe doesn't work out.'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

"I'd rather be seared by Emeril than sauteed by Rachel."

'Gentlemen, put your money away. When it comes to killing TV chefs, I work for free.'

The Picture of Mary Berry

"You missed the garlic. The place went nuts when he added the garlic."