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Sex clinic

"Doctor, my penis has been burning lately..."

A female patient in an exam room sees a sign that reads, 'Break glass in case of physician burnout'

'Look, you can only do so much!'

"I dunno, I guess I just don't believe in myself anymore."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

'My understanding of psychiatry is that women fantasiss and men internalise - in fact I'd like to internalise right now.'

'Look around, son. See if there's one you like. But remember: These are abandoned players, unwanted by their teams - so they might come with some psychological baggage.'

"Don't you think it's time we talked about Operation Doug?"

"You do realize I'm going to have to bill you for ten?"

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

"Postwar is hell."

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

'...when did you first get these feelings of wanting to be a psychiatrist?'

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

Sigmund Freud.

"I scream! You scream! I can't stop the screaming!"

"You left your demons here last week."

"I sometimes think you're the only one who listens to me."

X-ray Psychology.

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

Mental Wellness Center. Some folks coming here are working on multiple issues. Earlier, I saw a germaphobe with a fear of flying. Using an airplane bathroom must be completely out of the question! There's a narcissist with math anxiety and a fear of public speaking. He hopes one day he can stand in front of a large audience and count all the wonderful qualities he believes he has. And that guy has claustrophobia combined with a fear of success. Looks like he's going through a rough period

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

Banana Split Personality

"I keep telling myself I've got to slow down."

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

'If you don't chill out, you are definitely heading for a meltdown...!'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

'I hate Mondays.'

'You know they've reached puberty when they're more interested in Dr. Ruth than Babe Ruth.'

"I have a huge house, millions in the bank, and a twenty year old wife. But am I happy?..."