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Pensioners Ahead

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

Adam and Eve, as old people.

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

James Bond: Senior Years.

A senior moment.

David Blaine, Age 60

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"Remember when we were young and could finish a round without one of us having to run off to mark his territory?"

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

Man about lady in rocking chair with roll bars: 'Never too old to rock and roll.'

"I didn't know you could do wheelies Stan."

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"Forget about eating homework, I need you to carry my backpack!"

"My memory's not too good these days."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

Pension in race with tortoise and snail.

Life begins at 60

I'll bet with age would come wisdom, if only we would remember a @#%* thing.

"How's your memory?"

'I need a low dose of Viagra please doctor. . .I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't wee on my shoes.'

"Phew! You're ripe! What's that brown spot?"

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

"Those speedbumps are there for a reason, Mrs. Gunderson."

'It's my prostate.'

"Show-off!"

"Yes, when I was young, I was a golden retriever: I'm more like a silver retriever now..."

"My back goes out more often than I do..."