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Pensioners Ahead

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

Adam and Eve, as old people.

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

A senior moment.

David Blaine, Age 60

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

"Remember when we were young and could finish a round without one of us having to run off to mark his territory?"

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

'It's sadly ironic in a way - He can't hear the hearing aid commercials.'

"I didn't know you could do wheelies Stan."

Man about lady in rocking chair with roll bars: 'Never too old to rock and roll.'

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

"You ain't wearin' a brassiere." "How could you tell?" "Cuz the wrinkles are all stretched out of yer face."

"Forget about eating homework, I need you to carry my backpack!"

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Pension in race with tortoise and snail.

"My memory's not too good these days."

Life begins at 60

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

'I need a low dose of Viagra please doctor. . .I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't wee on my shoes.'

"How's your memory?"

At the Old Bikers' Home

"Yes, when I was young, I was a golden retriever: I'm more like a silver retriever now..."

"My back goes out more often than I do..."

'It's my prostate.'

"Show-off!"