Self-improvement Dreamer Gifts

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

They hated me.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"This could be the year someone actually goes up there."

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

What else is there to wish for?

"I hurt a lot of people during my last twelve steps."

"Remember how I've always had a hard time asking for help?"

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Critisize your weight.

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

"You've changed."

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

Giving Things Up For Lent.

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

"When you're healed, I'm going to wear it so I can't see what I weigh."