Self-control Awareness Gifts

I will not hoot. I will hot hoot. I will not hoot.

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

I was holding out okay, until he made it into crumb cake.

National Everything Awareness Day

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

That party went well.

Florida Governor, Rick Scott, cuts funding for rape victims.

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

When did you first feel like a male trapped in a female body? When I was a foetus.

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

Can't even hold signs well.

"We're making a video of us watching TV so we can watch ourselves watching TV...later."

"Is this who I am?"

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

" I'm sorry. I was so busy listening to myself talk that I forgot what I was saying."

"Oh No!! - I'm deciduous..."

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

Say balls to testicular cancer, remember to check your crown jewels regularly.

Always remember...you're the best you in the world.

"God help us, it's that guy."

As soon as I've extinguished my ego, I'm going to take some "me" time.

"Feeling that only you can prevent forest fires could be construed as delusions of grandeur."

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

Psychology Clinic. Most potent example of solipsism I've ever seen --- he follows himself on Twitter.

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

Motorway of the Self

Pollution Look

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.' 'There goes my political career!'

"I'm realizing how useless I'd be in a post apocalyptic world - All I do is draw cartoons."

"Wait ... I always thought taking each other for granted was a good thing!"

How are you feeling, Al? I couldn't be happier, Dr. Kapuchnik. Gee, that's great. No, I mean I wanted to be happier, but I couldn't.