Self-conscious Superhero Pillows

'You can't join the Federal Witness Protection program just to keep your friends from seeing your bald spot.'

...And he calls himself the 'Green' Giant...

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

Politically Correct Snowperson

'I had no idea aspirin came in such a large bottle.'

The Great Pyramid of Paperwork

"I've been genetically modified!"

'The dripping keeps me awake!'

'Do you ever think about how we can reduce our global footprint?'

"Plastic straws. No fish were spared in the making of this product."

"The tuna is endangered, the lettuce was recalled and the tomatoes were hit by a drought. I can give you mayo on a roll."

'Pretty please stay asleep till the morning,'

'When I had my baby I learned the meaning of 24/7.'

"I'm guessing you're a germaphobe?"

'Too long at his desk...we're going need surgery to cut him free.'

'I'm not very good at mingling.'

"Right it's decided! We are both sober for October and Stoptober. Then Movember and Decembeard and Dry January, then..."

"I don’t understand why they aren’t happy, we give them challenging, demanding work and let them do it 80 hours a week!"

"You mentioned separation anxiety. Don't worry, she'll be all right."

Superhero Introverts

"I've got buck teeth, an overbite, big ears, pink eye, a harelip, and I live in a hole. She must love me!"

Rudolph goes green (with his new compact fluorescent nose)

'Sometimes the boss exerts too much pressure about meeting a project deadline.'

Important and Urgent Tasks and Not Important and Not Urgent Tasks.

'I'm just so worried about mercury in the water and sulfur dioxide in the air.'

IPCC Climate Report

Walking the Oil Plank.

Professor Axxis feels naked jogging without his toupee.

Man looking incredibly dizzy

'Hug it harder! I'm sure that will put it out!'

'I'm so embarrassed driving such a filthy vehicle...'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

'Bad Day?'

"Me, I'm too self-conscious to go to the gym. I have my own hamster wheel at home..."

"Incredible - here in the Himalayas! A new mountain made up entirely of discarded computers shipped to India from the West!"