Selector T-Shirts

Beggar on street 'Ex-England opener bugged about by the selectors, please help'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

Yummy Mummies

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

No need to be concerned, madam! I'm wrapped in cotton wool!

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

"It boils down to which I dislike more: ironing shirts or non-iron shirts."

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

"It's a flip phone. I guess we can document this as an ancient, archaeological discovery."

'The hardest part of being a street crazy is picking each day's sign.'

"I'm more of an 'I like to watch' dog."

"Hey, Dad, guess what? My Honus Wagner baseball card is worth $2.1 million!"

"I've downsized."

"I wonder what this was for."

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

"What's the difference between the butterscotch champagne mist and the tawny sunset beige? Probably something buried deep in your psyche."

'How old is this vase?'

Spaghetto

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"Hmm interesting Hallmark..."

"I never expected you to pay through the nose."

"Decide who you are, Wanona, before you buy sheets."

'Your entire library consists of nothing but tabloids bound in Corinthian leather?'

Pawnshop: Genuine Fake Watches.

'Stamp auction' WW2 Victory stamps on two fingers

Elevator dilemma.

'To you, fifty quid - c'mon guv, it's HANDMADE!'

'Good boy. That's better than the others, but still too long. For playing fetch, I prefer a shorter stick, shaped like that, without bark or moss, and not quite as heavy.'

Antiques Store with a bin outside with a sign saying 'Not for Sale'.

Antiques dealer and customer