Seasonal Chef Gifts

"I must have been frozen -- is this the future?"

Squirrels Stockpiling Mulling Spices for Winter

'Big ham alright. It's August and it's still going strong.'

"Now, I'm ready for summer."

"Christmas drinks 'n' nibbles system"

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"Really! How many 'How to Survive the Festive Season' articles does one man need?"

"Be sure and eat your frozen vegetables."

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas

'I'll just put them here until the danger of frost passes - probably next April'

"Gerald converted the barbecue grill to natural gas."

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Easter Egg Delivery

"Our seasonal special is spiced pumpkin apple butternut squash ale. Would you like that in a frosted mug or over ice cream?"

(No caption). Woman bundled up against the cold weather smiles as she thinks of a big ripe red tomato.

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

"Oh, as long as he needs you, Santa's a great guy. But once things slow down and he wants a little vacation time with Mrs. C., it's 'goodbye North Pole, hello crappy temp job!'"

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'

"Fresh-raked leaves?"

Hot Chestnuts

"The Steak, too? I know it's autumn, but do you have to have EVERY thing pumpkin spice?"

'I bought winter tyres and it didn't snow.'

"I'll see your two and raise you three."

"Did no one tell you that at this time of year everybody flies south?"

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

"Take a shower first. You smell like a chimney."

"For keyhole turkey carving we use a 12 mm port in each flank and third in the midline."

"How can I word this Christmas card to my boss without wishing him a merry Christmas?"

Blowing out the Christmas Pudding.

Meat Poultry Fish. Genetically Modified Christmas Turkeys. Order Now. They inserted kangaroo DNA to make a product for stuffing, and octopus DNA so everybody gets a drumstick!

"Fred's a man for all seasons. The lawn still needs mowing but he's set for leaf blowing."

'. . . the Winter of Discontent Soup, Arab Spring Roll, Summer Madness Salad and The Season of Mellow Mists Fruit Medley.'

"Too much salt?! Hey, I put a lot of sweat and tears into making that Christmas Pudding!"

"Finally! An iconic advertising image that represents Christmas, Valentine's Day and Easter!"