Scrumper Pillows

Gardening Tips - training fruit trees can greatly increase their yield

Irritable trowel syndrome.

The Gardener's Holiday: Don't leave produce behind you to perish.

Flava Superba

Guitarist

'He kept saying, I'm sick of weeds. I'm sick of weeds until he got sick of weeds.'

"The bailouts are nice but my retirement remains finding drugs that washed up on the beach."

'I think you'll find that I'm next. . .'

"Red 14...No, it's black 23, no, no..it's..."

'Could someone just tell me if I win anything?'

"...and this is our Agile project!"

'I'm one year older and I should know better, but there are times all I want to do is tear into a new pair of slippers.'

'Why does the phone always have to ring when I'm out of the bath?!'

"In my defense it is an exit and the line was really long..."

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

The man who bought a sofa that was not in a sale.

"I see your problem, honey. You're doing everything 'waterfall'. You should switch to 'agile'."

"I stole your phone, but I'm giving it back. You get so many robocalls, it's just not worth the headache."

Beach Bouncer

Young against old

A moocher borrows a cup of sugar to make a sponge cake.

Rugby Union.

Unfortunately, Michael's 'wine straw' invention never really caught on.

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

Bob finds God's wallet, and for one crazy moment, considers keeping it.

'The throw I mean the throw wasn't straight.'

"Yeah, we know you've got the ball. We just don't like this guy."

"Ehhh....I would like to smurf an 'E'!"

"Your dad doesn't want to see or hear any comments on his social media page. Please explain to him how to turn them off."

'I like how they took all the confusion out of the game.'

Christmas Gambles

Boredband Internet

'There's no light-touch regulation here.'

What the world is like when you are in a hurry.

'I was hoping for a permanent Government shutdown thst included schools.'