Scissor Collector Gifts

George Osborne, Autumn Statement - scissorhands.

The aliens froze, gripped by a primal fear. This time there would be no abduction.

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

The Wine Bottle and the Corkscrew

Pashminas are sooo noughties!

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

"Did you bring any protection with you?"

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

"It said this 'Spilt Coffee' series afforded her a lifetime of lattes."

Glass and Porcelain Store: Elephants must remain outside.

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

Al's Farm Equipment: Our Prices Can't Be Beat!

'... and we're also having a sale on do-it-yourself emergency surgery kits.'

'You know, there's no need to reinvent the rock.'

Girl on a giant pair of scissors.

'Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know the drill.'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

You can tell when the blades get dull on your rotary nose-hair clippers.

"My pillow mania got out of control so I'm limiting myself to just one at a time."

'Now you know where you left your tools.'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

Instant art

Girl on a giant pair of scissors.

Long Corkscrew

Football supporters.

'Would it have killed you to go with a store-bought model?'

The Houseplant Cemetery.

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

The dead sea scrolls

'My hubby is getting better at D.I.Y. . . . Oh yes, he now spends more on screws than plasters.'

Doric, Ionic, Corinthian, and Broken Pillars.

"Now now, what have I told you about using your zombie knife at the dinner table..."