Scholarly Sibling Gifts

'I have five hours of homework to do!'

In the future, human thought will enter an age of clarity and purity never before dreamed of.

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

'They say my tests are too hard. Maybe I should switch from Essay to Connect-the-Dot.'

"I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may tend to hurt sales of my 'tell-all' book."

'One advantage of living through the plagues and wars of the 14th century was that you didn't have to study Chaucer.'

"Tell me again how many young minds I will have shaped by the end of my teaching career."

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

'And now for my William Tell shot.'

Popular college book: How to say 'Send money' in 101 languages.

"Okay, there's one thing I like about school starting. I have a girlfriend this year."

'You can never be too fit or too tenured.'

'It's the parents' 4x4x400 metres.'

'It has cut down on note-passing, glancing at fellow students' test papers and spitballs.'

Lesser Known Historical Figures: The Steno at the First Thanksgiving Dinner.

'Osgood was a theologian back on Earth, and he thought all this stuff would be allegorical.'

"The meaning of life? Funny you should ask."

I hear you're preaching godlessness, you little heathen. I'm preaching intellectual honesty. There is no proof of a Judeo Christian almighty. You might as well believe in Zeus or the spiritual powers of a raisin scone. Where do you think morality comes from? What do you think is the basis for our civil society? The almighty! All hail the raisin scone! HOJ.

To sleep, perchance to wake up as a different person.

"Well, Mr Baskerville, the only puppy hound I have left is this little guy right here." A legend is born.

School closings of the future

"Higher learning gets higher each year."

"I wasn't cheating. He's just peer mentoring and doesn't know it."

Principal: 'Is THERE a DOCTORATE in the House?!'

"I'd like to extend a special welcome to those of you who are joining us for the first time, as part of a nightmare you're having."

Teachers' Lounge: No Admittance

'I could have sworn that God was on our side.'

"If you upgrade this to an 'A' I think I can get you an extra $10,000."

'I was afraid of this -- the evolution protocols are just confusing them.'

"Don't smile, you're on Candid Camus."

"This place feels huge since all my sisters went off to college."

'What the hell is the meaning of life?'

Business Administrations: Join our enrichment program. Learn how to invest in the stock market.

Why should we keep going to school?