Satirical Songwriter Pillows

"Next song's called Dirt-poor Boxcar Man which I wrote partly in the VIP lounge at JFK in my private limo on the way here tonight."

"Hows the protest song coming along Bill?"

Open mike night presents: Rudy Park. You done left me alone … Cut out when I needed you most. How brightly we'd have shone … had you not given up the ghost. I done loved you baby. Now I just feel so bad-n-used. I'm a-goin' crazy … I got me the laptop low-battery life blues. That portable never loved you, honey child!

"And finally, I'd like to thank all the little people I met on my way to the bar."

The New Modern-Day Lament.

"I'm composing a song for the new administration. It's entitled, 'Hell to the chief'."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"Gee, thanks pal."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'No! No more harps! I can't take it anymore.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

The World's Biggest Book Club

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet