Satirical Scholastic Observer T-Shirts

'I don't need to do my homework. I outsourced it to a kid in China.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

Strainspotting

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

They still don't get it, do they? They can't see we're aping them!

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'

"No, no, your job's not going out of the country to some foreign bastard. We're just firing you."

Monkey Business College

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

'Sometimes I think you're on a different planet.'

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

Thomas Carlyle

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

Precisely Inprecise

Cash For Places - Penbroke College