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Self-Help Books / Fixing Others.

Stay the course.

Make your own bottled water.

'Our wellness special is the regular double cheeseburger, with only half the fires.'

'A few of us are getting together after work to binge-drink. You're welcome to join us if you're not in recovery.'

'This is a great new computer-generated test. It's for first graders, and it tell you which graduate schools they'll qualify for.'

'Say, aren't you the building inspector who gave us such a hard time when we were building a house last year?'

A man is robbing a sporting goods store. He says to the clerk:' I need two guns, three ski-masks,and three pairs of your fastest roller blades!'

How to Tell if a Country Has the Bomb

'A student stapled a twenty to her term paper...it was more persuasive than her writing.'

Stop Pay Toll

'I'm thinking of flipping this house.'

Museum: Old Detroit.

'You need to lose about 30 pounds of gravitas.'

'The flood levy will help us get back to work so we can contribute to the flood levy.'

U.S. Transportation System

"To insure better robberies in the future, would you be willing to log onto my website and fill out a short survey?"

'HM...MM...When I said 'Fire in My Belly', maybe I meant to say, 'Chronic Heartburn!'

'Actaully, we're not really devil workshippers, we just want to get our son into the faith school.'

"We're not poor, anymore, kids. Just economically inactive.

Time To Vacation Again.

Peasant's emancipation.

'The names change but the hogwash remains the same.'

Updated Classic: The Waistland

Drunk Driving School

'Now that we've lulled you with our no-haggle sales policy, our finance manager will apply heavy arm twisting for dealer add-ons.'

"And this little hybrid beauty runs on either gas or liposuction fat."

Privatization and Deregulation are the gas in the engine of the economy.

Denis was considered something of a 'Hard Man' within the amputee community.

"You failed in marketing, you failed as a caretaker but you're not a total loss... At least I could sell your kidneys."

"Che, 'reconquista' is not about conquering America. It's about reaching a level of justice and equality. It's similar to the 'promised land' as alluded to by the great Rev. Martin Luther King Jr."

"Pass it on...the first meeting of the 'Reconquista' coalition is tomorrow."

"Frankly, I find it quite insulting that we're often likened to dodgy bankers!"

"Okay, I accept the fact that I'm doomed to spend all eternity in hell, but could I serve my time without the company of disgraced Evangelicals and television preachers?"

Trump lobbyist