Satirical Corporate Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"We’ve just received the latest management update on how to persecute whistleblowers."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

'Office' block tightening it's belt

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Yes, can I help you?'

Office pics on dinner table.

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'We feel it's very important to provide our employees with an extremely comfortable work-place environment. Primarily because we don't allow them to ever go home.'

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'Due to cutbacks, he lost his company vehicle, so he has to improvise.'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

"It lost a little something in translation."

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"Here's some of my work for you to do. It should be a refreshing change...for me."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."