Satire Humorist Gifts

"'Burned out,' Parker?- I wasn't aware you ever even 'caught fire.'"

"For Gladys it's not the thought that counts, it's the size of the gift."

Copycats

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I'm gonna be a 'New Yorker' cartoonist. You're not supposed to understand it."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."