Sarcophagus Seeker Pillows

We lucked out. This one's wrapped in videotape.

German Expressionist Breakfast

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'The Burrito King.'

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

New Flavors at Where's the Scoop Ice Cream

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

An ancient Egyptian exhibit at a museum.

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

Afraid of change - leave it here.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

The guy who got in on the ground floor

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

IMHOtep

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

"If you need anything in the building, just call the super. This is the only known photo of him."

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'

"My New Year's resolution is to acknowledge the dog, but you know how hard resolutions are."

A yeoman misunderstanding an order from his drill-sergeant

'I would suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon. It's non habit forming. I should know. I've been drinking a glass every day for twenty years.'

'Yeah, I know it's a plastic carrot: I wanted a low-maintenance system...'

Trump to Build Wall

"Sorry, boss. . . Google also doesn't know where your missing person is. I have no idea where to look now. . ."

Entertaining The Troops On Wall Street

'I don't know why you wanted a high def television when you have low def eyesight!'

Lenny the Cadaver dog had one heck of a story to tell the boys at the k-9 training...

"The legend is true. Bigger Foot exists."

Bank 'n' Burger

Anatomy.