Sarcastic Food Critics Pillows

'Red Indian blood.' 'Smoke signals.' Food burning.

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

"Would you like to see today's liquidized menu?"

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

Beef Stew.

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

'There's nothing good to eat!'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

'When I said you should complain about your steak I didn't mean whining about it on twitter.'

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

"Do you mind if I give you feedback?"

Maybe you would have less of a problem with flies in your soup if you didn't have landing strips attached to your bowls.

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

'If only you would let me cover this Tofu-vegetables stuff with ketchup, it would at least LOOK like real food...'

"I think I'll just leave a hate tip."

We'll pass on the entrees...

Fresh Fish

Master Chef