Sarcastic Call Center Fan Prints

'I have just initiated your computer's auto destruct countdown.'

'Mr. Coleman is on vacation. Would you care to hold?'

'Oh, hello Dave. Would you like that in untraceable, used notes, like last time?'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

"I admit saying England had no hope of winning the World Cup, me Lord, but it isn't treason."

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'Ed's busy, but someone who speaks out of both sides of his mouth will be right with you.'

'Thank you for calling the bullpen,,, To continue in English, Press one,,,'

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

"Thank you for not taking our customer satisfaction surney at the end this call. Now I can be rude to you with impunity."

Collar I.D.

'He certainly knows how to make a customer feel welcome.'

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

A Dog Who Never Got His Day.

"Your issue should be simple to resolve. I'll just go and get someone less qualified to help you."

'Look here Frobisher, you've adhered to the rules. You haven't cheated, self-aggrandised or whined about money. That's rather unsportsmanlike of you.'

'That? Well, it's a solid Lucite paperweight containing your immediate predecessor, compliments of the executive management team. It's just our way of saying 'Welcome Aboard!''

'You forgot one of the essential facts of putting - the ball always breaks toward the water.'

'Hello, and welcome to Acme Cable. If you're calling about a billing issue, big whoop. Get over it and pay the bill. If your cable is out, who cares. When it's fixed, you'll know it. If you're...'

Those who want to make complaints are welcomed before breakfast, lunch and supper. Dragon.

'This call may be ignored for sanity assurance.'

Obscenity-recognition software. It's for people who hate computers, but have to use them.

Do you think the moon is real? Well

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

'Yes sir, we still have Mr Edwards on hold from last thursday...'

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'For the wrong department: Press one. . . for a patronizing excuse: Press two. . .'

STRIP Hambone: Cleaner answering the phone in office

'I had a great day! I woke up 10 people, interrupted 28 breakfasts, 42 lunches and thoroughly ruined 21 dinners.'

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'