Sarcasm Prints

"Son, if you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating."

"Oh, I'm really sorry. I just placed three million with some broker who called five minutes ago."

"I don't need a club or a spear, now that I've mastered sarcasm."

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

'Take two aspirins and stick your head in the sand.'

'Oh!...You did dress up for the interview.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"When you said we needed to talk, you didn't say I needed to listen."

'Thank you for taking part in this poll, sir. Here's the first question: What the heck makes you so arrogant to think your opinion could have any kind of importance, sir?'

"And we need some Christmas cards too. . . Get the ones made from recycled paper. . . no point wasting trees. . ."

Mind reader: "You're thinking, 'This is really stupid...people can't read minds'." "How'd she know that?"

'How about we don't pay these bills and hope, in the meantime, someone steals our identity.'

"I'm not climbing down there to fetch your teeth. Serves you right for spitting."

Sun may cause cancer.

'It's a telemarketer...he says if you're not busy he can call you back when you are.'

'You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of conspiracy?'

Clancy:Survey Question

'Now what?'

"You were right - I really didn't want to know how it's made, because that was incredibly boring."

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

Schadenfreude greetings cards.

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"I finally have my very own place where I can do what I want in my parents basement."

Man being prodded into hell by a demon meets a charity collector with clipboard, asking: 'Hello, could I have five minutes of your time?'

"We're just a stone's throw from everything."

'This had better be important, I'm in the middle of a conference call!'

'It's a new concept in fund drives. First we collect the money, and then we decide what we're going to do with it.'

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"That's the fourth husband she's put in the ground without any concern for what it's doing to the environment."

"You know what they say - what doesn't kill you only makes you older."

'Dumb looks always get me in trouble, but I've found a a blank stare can actually convey an illusion of concentration.'

"What next?" "Don't tell me."

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."