Sarcasm Gifts

"Son, if you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating."

"Oh, I'm really sorry. I just placed three million with some broker who called five minutes ago."

"I don't need a club or a spear, now that I've mastered sarcasm."

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

'Take two aspirins and stick your head in the sand.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Oh!...You did dress up for the interview.'

"When you said we needed to talk, you didn't say I needed to listen."

'Thank you for taking part in this poll, sir. Here's the first question: What the heck makes you so arrogant to think your opinion could have any kind of importance, sir?'

"And we need some Christmas cards too. . . Get the ones made from recycled paper. . . no point wasting trees. . ."

Mind reader: "You're thinking, 'This is really stupid...people can't read minds'." "How'd she know that?"

'How about we don't pay these bills and hope, in the meantime, someone steals our identity.'

Sun may cause cancer.

"I'm not climbing down there to fetch your teeth. Serves you right for spitting."

'It's a telemarketer...he says if you're not busy he can call you back when you are.'

'You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of conspiracy?'

Clancy:Survey Question

"You were right - I really didn't want to know how it's made, because that was incredibly boring."

'Now what?'

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

Schadenfreude greetings cards.

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"That's the fourth husband she's put in the ground without any concern for what it's doing to the environment."

"I finally have my very own place where I can do what I want in my parents basement."

"We're just a stone's throw from everything."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

'This had better be important, I'm in the middle of a conference call!'

Man being prodded into hell by a demon meets a charity collector with clipboard, asking: 'Hello, could I have five minutes of your time?'

"You know what they say - what doesn't kill you only makes you older."

'It's a new concept in fund drives. First we collect the money, and then we decide what we're going to do with it.'

"Your consistency has been very impressive...100% wrong 100% of the time."

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

"What next?" "Don't tell me."