Sales Tactics Strategist Pillows

'Hank here brings 10 years of top sales experience to our company so let's all try to make him feel welcome while he makes you all look bad...'

Larry's used art

'I vote we hang the darn thing upside down and go home!'

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

"Great! We're still going up! Chop a hole in the ceiling!"

"Jill Hamster's entrepreneurial disaster"

Sales.

'We have to go global since nobody around here will buy our product.'

'I understand this was the day you seized, Ferguson?'

'Maybe we need new profit charts?'

Brick Salesman

"Post holiday sales look similar to the crater that killed the dinosaurs."

Sales Chart: Boomerangs LTD

Gerald Ratner's return

'Now think, Harris, what did you do different on that day?'

"These are magic beans, my boy. Their value comes from growth and scale, not revenue."

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

Competitior Sales - "Now I come to the feel good factor"

'One thing is certain. It's not just a seasonal slump.'

'Jones, somewhere out there, we've lost our common sense. I want you to go and bring it back.'

'Well Miss Hayward, your suggestion of trying Feng Shui didn't work.'

"Today we welcome back an old friend."

Entertainment systems

"At bonus time, just don't forget where you get your intellectual property."

"That's a new side effect of our mission to keep things together."

'If you don't pay us, I'll tell all your creditors you have.'

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"

Sinking sales

Phone solicitors like customers who are afraid to hang up.

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'I think I know what the problem is!'

'Our sales have been uneven but our company has heart.'