Salad Sleuth T-Shirts

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Like death by salad.'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"It comes with a small Greek salad."

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'

"It's been 10 years Martha, why are we still eating quinoa?"

'Diet considerations.'

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways … Open Mike Night Presents Sadie Cohen. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my ladle can reach … When feeling hungry for the crunch of crouton and ideal lettuce. I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need ... by cheesy bread and chicken wing. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I eat of thee freely, and then, at four, 'tis goodnight. O Sizzler salad bar, how do I love thee? I'm hungry.

Vegetarian Restaurant: Choose Your Own Cabbage

"Oh No!!!...Cap'n...Iceberg...Dead ahead!!"

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

Cinema with a salad bar in its lobby.

"Some protein with my salad? Sure, put a 24 ounce Ribeye in it."

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"More croutons, sir?"

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

'I found this bag of salad hidden in the locker room - who's is it?'

"I'm pleased to say our dishes all have too much kale."

"Might I recommend one of our salads? They come with three of your companion's fries."

Horse meat scandal.

'If a tomato is a fruit, why don't you get it in fruit salad?'

"I'll just have a small salad. . . say 400 pounds of fresh river vegetation."

Free salad bar.

Ranch Dressing

An art director eats: 'Waiter! Does this lettuce say 'salad' to you?'

The famous Walled-off salad.

"Good morning, Mother! We made you a desk salad."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"