Safety Consultant Gifts

Life is about MANAGING risk, not not taking any.

'Mr Bluebeard is our safety officer.'

Steep Hill, Slippery When Wet, Watch for Cars Going Faster Than You.

"Why don't you start with tennis balls?!"

'It's okay, there's a trampoline under the snow.'

Do you have a phone with recording capabilities? I want to be able to carry a wire when I meet with my boss.

'We're looking for somebody to work on our new top secret project. Can you tell me what kind of experience you have?'

The Dangers of National Safety Week.

Crash Test Dummy Blues

'How do we know the NSA hasn't hacked your naughty list?'

"Siri, find an ICU near me."

"I've dabbled in espionage, but my main area of expertise is self-sabotage."

"We've been cancelled."

'Now listen: Based on the position of the kennel and the length of the leash, only the shaded part of the garden is dangerous...'

"Hold it right there! Our legislature is currently considering new measures to protect children from the insidious ravages of cell phones in schools!"

Bank notes coming out of a safe.

MI5 Press Office

'Don't give me that junk! — We spies don't either have to stick together!'

To prevent geese from flying toward its planes, Jupiter Airlines made some key design changes,

"Welcome to your new home Sire. There isn't an enemy in the land that will penetrate these three foot thick stone walls."

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

Car robbers foiled by mousetraps surrounding a car.

"Nice job with the petunias, Skip. They're a perfect complement to the trip wires."

After a Lot of Hype, Russian Interference Turns Out Not to Amount to Much

No, you were supposed to check the doorbell camera before lowering the drawbridge.

A new case, Ernie...On a lark, two young girls broke into a museum and stole a half-dozen Peter Breugel paintings of Hades. Chicks nick six styx pics for kicks!

'Our crime figures are down!'

Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite, Surveillance.

Privacy Stops Where the Parking Lot Begins

"I found a partial thumbprint. Let's get the heck out of here"

"It used to be that if you worried about unseen forces you were considered paranoid. Now you're a security expert."

"As part of our new privacy policy we stopped using hidden cameras."

'What do I do for a living?? Isn't it obvious?'

"I just installed a home security monitor."