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'I'm tired - let's outsource dinner tonight.'

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

Surgeon carving a chicken/turkey.

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

Fast Nouvelle Cuisine.

'The casserole didn't make it.'

'..and one for the pot.'

"You're doing it wrong."

Baker

"Rain or shine, me and you can do fondue!" "I'm ready for some yum!"

"I'm here to fix the lasagne."

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

"Oh, how nice. You're just in time to cut the vegetables,"

"Instant coffee? Little plug-in water heater?? This new guy must be a real survivalist!"

"So if I replace all the ingredients with sand I should be okay."

"If anyone asks, I didn't hear about the big beef recall."

'You're problem is you don't think big enough.'

"Whoa! That's a lot of flame, Beth. I'll pick up a fire extinguisher on my way back from the gym."

'Mix 1lb of greed with 2oz of corruption, fold in a sprinkle of ignorance then put on the shelf...'

'Regardez - even le grand Escoffier cries quand il slices les onions.'

'The bizarre etiquette of entertaining: the smaller the group the worse the food.'

"You're the only man I know who can clean a filthy cooker with two slices of bread."

'I'm afraid I'll have to close you down. Your kitchen is infested with greenfly.'

Sushi Spinoffs

"How did you know we were having pancake flambe again?"

'That new recipe didn't quite work out. Do you fancy popping down to the chippy?'

'I really should consult a dietician. My idea of preparing healthy food is to blow the sugar off a donut.'

The Origin of Volcanic Eruptions.

'Oh, she's not a witch or anything -- she just served leftover turkey five days in a row.'

"This year WE EAT LIKE WOLVES."

"We don't need menus. Just pick the healthiest dish you have and give it to us deep fried."