Rubber Burner T-Shirts

"An object of love that you can get inside, totally inside."

"When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, 'What's in it for me?'"

"No luggage to check - I just have this carry on."

'Hey! Hey! You need a trout stamp! Where's your trout stamp?!'

Alternative fielding positions

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

Baseball pitch with a sign saying 'No Left Turn.'

"So when my dad said I couldn't have a dog..."

'It's okay sir, I'm private Johnson.'

'Hold it Billy - There are no praying mantises in school.'

I love Science.

"I warned you about putting funny stuff on the ball, Flanagan."

'I thought forty is the new thirty.'

"Sorry, eighty is not the new sixty-five."

'Sorry, Jimmy... our school has a strict 'don't show, don't tell' policy!'

"Gosh! Look what he's done to his Harry Potter books..."

"Let's just say my teacher and I agreed to disagree."

'Great! Now we're getting pulled over! I TOLD you that was a lint trap back there, but did you listen? Noooo!'

"You might call it shoplifting officer, but I prefer to think of it as foraging."

Bureau of the Budget. If we serve alphabet soup, we can count it as a lunch program and a literacy program!

"Well, my daddy always says it's not a lie unless the Grand Jury says it's a lie."

'What? I'm behind the barriers, aren't I?'

'But, I'm not fishing. I'm just teaching my pet maggot how to swim.'

Fun on the pyramids

'Decision time. Which bridge to cross and which to burn.'

'I said you could have ONE cookie!' 'I know. I took two HALF moon cookies...'

'Where in the rules does it say I can't keep a mascot in the goals?'

'Never shoot straight up.'

'My ambition is to discover the Great American Loophole.'

"I'm afraid he's right-there's nothing in here about slobber balls."

'Don't look at me like that! I know it's a banned substance, OK? But how can I compete if I'm the only one in the league not using spinach?!'

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

"Okay, if I can't use my last wish to wish for another three wishes, can I wish that I find another magic lamp?"

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

"I was acquitted."