Royalty Pretender Pillows

"Whoever he is, he has season tickets."

Servant brings king skateboard on pillow.

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

'Enjoying a snifter of brandy by the fire...'

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

"As you can see from the books behind me, I pretend to read a lot of books."

"I'll bet a lot of people wish they had a royal palace to return to."

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

'They say a man's home is his castle...here's your sceptre, your highness, the throne is plugged!'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

King and Queen with real estate agent view castle for sale: 'My wife likes it, but she wants to know if you have the same thing in purple.'

'I seek an audience with the king.'

Plagiarism

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

'I could have SWORN I outlawed dragons!'

Ethelred II

Pretentious man reads Culture supplement, saying: 'I don't know much about art but I know what to pretend to like.'

"Because we're jerks."

'Well, yes. We are losing the battle, sire. But this is just an exhibition...'

"We are not under siege, Your Majesty. You just have a siege mentality."

"King of what, exactly?"

'I can't come to work today. I'm in bed with a nasty, little bug.'

"How would you like to be queen for a day?"

"I can't go to school today, Mom . . . I'm running a low-grade spring fever."

You're getting a crown for cosmetic purposes. You're not being made the ruler of all us other teeth.

"For Hispanic Heritage Month, I declare myself...queen of Hispanic heritage!"

"I always drink from a travel mug. It makes me feel like I'm out of the house."

'The games console has saved us a fortune in holidays. We told him we were seeing the pyramids but we were actually in Skegness. He didn't notice.'

A king stands on his balcony; his legs match the balustrade.

'My brother-in-law asked for political asylum, so I had him committed.'

"Well, no, but I always rooted for them."

"Overtime on the Humpty-Dumpty project is killing the treasury."

'I couldn't possibly kiss you. I just don't find you attractive. '

'I don't feel like getting out of bed today - Just tell everybody to go with laissez-faire.'

"Who named him emperor!?"