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'When you say I made the cut, is that a good thing or a bad thing?'

'Just because Mother declared war on you doesn't mean you had to declare war on HER!'

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

"A kingdom? A whole kingdom? All I want is a horse."

"Oh well, what does a jester know?"

'Now that I'm King, no more of that 'Eddie' stuff, Mom.'

'When did YOU switch to a talk format?'

English People With Servants Having Problems - On Demand

'I don't know. Neo-monarchism sounds good...'

"Good morning, beheaded—uh, I mean beloved."

'No, no, no - I said do me a ship in a bottle'

Under the microscope

King reaching for an apple

Somebody turns up

LUDWIG REX, 'I don't like it - It makes me sound like a hairdresser!'

Palanquin Toilet Break

'First you drop hints - if that doesn't work, you drop bombs.'

'We don't have the funds to build a huge statue of you, Sire - How would you feel about a bobble-head?'

At last, Paul Burrell finds his diary.

The First autobiography: 'I'm afraid, sire, if you want a biography, you'll have to write it yourself!'

"C'mon. She's clearly just a rebound girl."

'He doesn't reign so much as he drizzles.'

"You're why I have the moat, Mother."

'You don't get all bent out of shape when LADY GODIVA does it!'

"No, I wasn't abused, but I cut off my father's head anyway."

"Humanitarian aid? -- What fun is that?"

'I can't believe you hired your National Security Advisor from Cratg's List!'

"But he's noble deep down INSIDE, Daddy!"

'That wasn't great sex, but it was fun!'

"He's playing very hard to get - he's got a restraining order."

'You'd be worried, too, if YOUR mother-in-law got a seat on the Security Council.'

"I tried kicking the economic crisis down the road, and it kicked me back!"

"I fear he's the bearer of bad news."

"I wouldn't mind this so much, if it weren't for the inheritance taxes!"

"Swim across the moat but keep the pizza dry."