Roommate Seeker Pillows

"I'm looking for a special sort of roommate. Someone who will split the rent, do chores, then go home at night."

"You've been accepted by Harvard, but turned down by eight potential roommates."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Biofelineism

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'Who gets the decaf?'

'Are we broke yet?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

I hate monday mornings.

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

'Ready Mum?'

"Much ado list"

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'