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Bris

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

The No No No's

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

At the 2021 Religious Games

A surprise in heaven

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

'Minyan Man! You've saved the day again!'

'Number three?', 'This is NOT a quiz!'

"Seriously, I used to be the staff of a guy named Moses, man the stories I could tell..."

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'Well, there go all MY plans....'

United Church of OMG

'If you're omnipresent, why do I always have to climb way up here?'

'These sure rule out a lot of options....'

'Please take your receipt!'

Chill Out Worshippers!

Moses' first encounter with the burning bush didn't go well.

"So from now on, the rabbi, the priest and the minister all walk into a pharmacy, O.K.?"

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"The amendments are coming next week!"

"Eventually the leaders of every religion say 'We spoke to God and he wants you to give us money.' ...Every. Single. One."

"Just my luck."

Moses parting leaves in a forest.

Celebration in operating theatre.

"His name is Jonah. Are you sure you haven't seen him?"

Jesus as a child - 'Just look at my clean floor! What have I told you about walking on puddles?'

'Well, looking on the bright side, there's only 10 of them.'

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."