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Bris

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

The No No No's

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

At the 2021 Religious Games

A surprise in heaven

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

'Minyan Man! You've saved the day again!'

'Number three?', 'This is NOT a quiz!'

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

"Seriously, I used to be the staff of a guy named Moses, man the stories I could tell..."

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'Well, there go all MY plans....'

'If you're omnipresent, why do I always have to climb way up here?'

'These sure rule out a lot of options....'

United Church of OMG

'Please take your receipt!'

Chill Out Worshippers!

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"So from now on, the rabbi, the priest and the minister all walk into a pharmacy, O.K.?"

Moses' first encounter with the burning bush didn't go well.

"The amendments are coming next week!"

Jesus as a child - 'Just look at my clean floor! What have I told you about walking on puddles?'

Moses parting leaves in a forest.

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."

Celebration in operating theatre.

"Eventually the leaders of every religion say 'We spoke to God and he wants you to give us money.' ...Every. Single. One."

"This wandering in the desert for forty years thing -- It IS allegorical, isn't it?"

"Just my luck."

'Well, looking on the bright side, there's only 10 of them.'