Review Ruffian T-Shirts

"Vinnie would appreciate it if you reconsidered that Yelp rating."

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"Be careful of that sun, Stewart. You're starting to look like the front page of the 'Times Book Review.'"

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

Cello Concert

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

'Let's run it through legal.'

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

"I feel bad about Nora Ephron's neck."

Unnatural Selection.

'What have you got in the way of an imported red that has a label that doesn't look like my cat drew it?'

"With one hand I'm reading the past decade's most critically acclaimed novel. With my other hand I'm searching for enough negative reviews to justify my decision to abandon it."

'I'm not making a mess, Mom -- I'm becoming one with the Earth!'

'Read any good book reviews lately?'

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

'He's disappointed with the Queen's card - he wanted a rude one!'

Pianist being pelted with tomatoes.

"Believe me, there are no critics under your bed."

"Your husband is critical."

My Musical Influences

Focus Groupies

Michel de Montaigne

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

'I hate these literary parties. All everyone does is sit around and complain about their publishers. Take mine for instance ...'

"Does this book come with directors commentary?"

"I was a best seller! I sold millions of copies! Now look at me, a glorified coaster."