Review Ruffian T-Shirts

"Vinnie would appreciate it if you reconsidered that Yelp rating."

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

Eric Clapton.

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"Be careful of that sun, Stewart. You're starting to look like the front page of the 'Times Book Review.'"

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

Cello Concert

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

'Let's run it through legal.'

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

"I feel bad about Nora Ephron's neck."

'I'm not making a mess, Mom -- I'm becoming one with the Earth!'

"With one hand I'm reading the past decade's most critically acclaimed novel. With my other hand I'm searching for enough negative reviews to justify my decision to abandon it."

Unnatural Selection.

'What have you got in the way of an imported red that has a label that doesn't look like my cat drew it?'

Tony Iommi

'Read any good book reviews lately?'

Collected Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Listen to this ... In "the Last Tycoon" F. Scott Fitzgerald observed that there are no second acts in American lives. In my case, either he was right about that or this is a very long intermission!

Pianist being pelted with tomatoes.

'He's disappointed with the Queen's card - he wanted a rude one!'

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

"Your husband is critical."

My Musical Influences

"Believe me, there are no critics under your bed."

Focus Groupies

Michel de Montaigne

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

"I was a best seller! I sold millions of copies! Now look at me, a glorified coaster."

"Since when did my opinions become 'riffs'?"

"Does this book come with directors commentary?"