Retrospective Philosopher Gifts

'Have you noticed how our days are getting shorter.'

'Hello? Missing Persons?'

People in the mirror may be more attractive than they appear.

Gramophone dreams of mp3 player.

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

"The house doesn't seem big because the kids are gone - it seems big because we've shrunk so much."

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

"1971... 2015..."

'I only make predictions in retrospect.'

'I've tried hunting, and I've tried gathering, but what I really want is a desk job.'

Clearing up medals.

Everything looks better through rose-tinted glasses.

"Prospecting ain't what it used to be."

"Speaking only for myself, the unexamined life was a total gas!"

"If I could take back ninety per cent of the things I say, then I think people would know the real me."

'Bloody warmongers!'

"It's a bit overrated really isn't it?"

"C'mon, who am I trying to kid? 'The Wheel'...they'll never buy it."

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're just getting grumpier.'

"The universal remote. That's how God rules the universe."

'I'll tell you one thing - if I knew I'd live this long I'd have taken better care of myself.'

"To reinforce my diet, the mirror goes on the fridge."

Philosoraptors

'What do you mean, 'Land Ahoy!'? We're just trading Fishing Season for Hunting Season.'

"Secure in their ignorance, medieval peasants were impervious to education, fearful of progress and lived on potatoes and cabbage. Thankfully, it's very different today. Now they've got burgers and fries."

'Greg feels he now has the answer. All people, he believes, are parodying themselves.'

'My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis.'

"Well, well, would you look at that. Fire. Talk about living beyond your means."

"Christmas, birthdays...this divine guide will help you deal with idiotic gifts..."

"Mostly, he was just puttering, but now he's also muttering."

"The way I see it, angst is the whole gestalt."