Retail Veteran T-Shirts

Complaint clerk presses button to drop customer through trap door

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

"Oh to be young and in love and wear things cut on the bias."

"They're on special offer so I got three times more than I could ever use for twice as much as I could afford!"

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

"If the economy's ground to a halt, we can help by carrying on shopping."

"Wrong window. I’m a sea lion. You need an otter."

Early on-line shopping

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

"Great for worship then! Great for retail now!"

Where there's a Mall--There's a Way.

"Dear, you are Definitely coming back as a centipede."

SupermarketAwful Market.

'The difference between the sexes...First Contact...'

'Our giant sale now on!'

'Let me through - I've a bargain for a nose!'

Black Friday - the day the retailer is crucified

After the Nordstrom-Nordstream Merger

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

Woman in bed with catalogue of worries.

'I applied the instant rebate and the returning customer loyalty reward, so that comes to fifty cents.'

'Remember Jones, the customer is always right, no matter how stupid and ignorant he may be.'

"I'd like to make a return."

"Sir, there are no waitresses or menus — this is Crate & Barrel."

'Hold my purse. I'm going in only to complain.'

"This one's a little more expensive, but she comes with her own reality show."

"Ooh look, the high street's evolved to survive!"

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

'A penny for my thoughts. Now accepting all major credit cards.'

"Sorry, I'm late. I didn't realize how much credit you had on your card."

"Returns"

Woman impulsively buying a book about how to stop impulse buying.

"I always knew I was cutting edge - I've gone cashless my entire life."

Sold It All.

You know retail is in a bad way when...