Resume Ninja Gifts

"Since you applied here your tech skills have become obsolete."

'A strong point in your favour is that you're not over qualified.'

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"Can we please just stick to the core business?"

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

There now, that wasn't too difficult was it!

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'Send in the next applicant Ms Jones.'

"I'm trying to find a way to balance your strengths against your felonies."

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'

'This test will determinbe which of you gets the position. Who wants to jump first?'

"This position requires someone with a thick skin... Well, do you think you're up to the job, big nose?"

'When the school upgraded its operating system, for the third time, I upgraded my headache medicine from over-the-counter to prescription strength.'

'Do you have an appointment?'

"Mr. Kennings was going to interview you for the job, until he heard you actually wanted to get paid."

Work Du Soleil

"Our computers will be down for an hour, so I advise everyone to hide under their desks. The last time it was total anarchy until we were back online."

"I've got three michelin stars, two for cookery and one for turning up to the interview!"

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

Workaholic's Toilet

'Guilty? But I just hired an expensive personnel firm to update my resume.'

"I'd give you a list of references but no one will admit they know me."

"Your CV is very impressive. We're interested in the person who wrote it."

"So why do you feel that you're a better person for the job than every other candidate who's shown me résumés with the exact same credentials?"

'This resume looks familiar. Were we once married to each other?'

"Once we corroborate your impressive resume with your social media persona, we'll get in touch."

"He'll never be good enough to snatch this pebble from my hand."

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

"They say you are a great warrior."

City Dump: Resumes.

"Well, you're both strong candidates with very similar résumés so we've decided to settle the matter through hand to hand combat."

'Your leaving certificate is a joke, your resume is ridiculous and your reputation scares me. You can start on Monday.'