Resume Alchemist Pillows

'The black hole in my resume? My dog ate it.'

'I went into that meeting with a hidden agenda and then forgot where I put it.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

Do you have any other skills?

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

'Here you are, Simmons!'

"Your resume's very impressive, but we're looking for a financial wizard."

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

"On the contrary. For this position we're looking for someone who can think 'inside the box'."

"Just as I thought! You used our competitor's paper for your resume!"

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

Resume Dumpers

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

"I can work for twelve straight hours without needing to be recharged."

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

'Why yes, the resume is a very important basis for who we hire.'

'Good - we're finally all on the same rampage.'

"You're overqualified. Could you dumb it down a little?"

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

"This is quite an impressive resume. Any chance I can work for you?"

"You'd be amazed how just a little soybean meal adds to the protein content of powdered bats wing and next tails."

'I still have time for both work and family - thanks to cloning.'

"By the way, there is only one 'L' in 'over-qualified'."

"I recently upgraded my resume-writing software."

'How's getting you a sandwich going to help me get a job?'

'Yes, I have an MBA, A Mistress of Business Administration.'

Child with a junior chemistry set in the complaints department.

'Why Isaac Newton kept returning to alchemy...' 'There's just no money in gravity.'